……

如果那是你真心的感觉而写这段话，我肯定会看着落泪。知道你可能不会回来。 但要是那段话一切是你为了赎罪而隐瞒事实，我的泪却流不出，一点也流不出因为到底哪里出错了…… 心不是受到伤害那么简单而是带着被人欺骗被人利用的感觉…… 怪的是自己笨，愚蠢，妄想症复发！ 我本来就不该踏入你们的世界,是一切注定要我遇见你们吗？ 如果没有我的出现大家也不会搞成那样，大家也可以好过一些不是？

就撑吧。。。撑到那天我撑不住了。。

为什么总觉得自己要那么固执，难听的说就是觉得自己很犯贱。明明被伤过一次了，却还愿意把自己完完全全付出给他。难道我升级变成那种拿痛苦来伤害自己的变态？！ 脑子一次又一次的提醒着自己却就像反地形引力一样，就像磁铁一样碰见相同磁性而排斥。

明明告诉过自己不要把真心蒙蔽自己的眼睛，因为当真心离开后，绝情会是你睁开眼睛后看见的德第一个事情。为什么自己不肯从中学习呢？跌倒了就应该是很痛的，但却为什么还要跌一次，而且还要跌在同各地方。。。

为什么就是不肯把自己抽离出来呢？要到什么时候我才能醒过来？跌到自己没知觉后才知道吗？哪那是什么时候？为什么我就是一生下来就要有真心在自己的体内呢？为什么我不能像其他人一样，没有真心这回事呢？

总总疑问我回答不了。。。以前我一直不认同“谁先付出真心，谁就是输家”。现在我懂了，我一直都失败而且败得很严重因为连自己败在哪都不懂。

领悟了一件事，真心的人往往都喜欢胡思乱想，都喜欢猜疑，占有欲很强，更不用说嫉妒心了。。。但这一切应该都代表“真心的这一位”是真的真心愿意付出的。

我不懂我何时才能停止这一切。。。就让我一直痛下去吧，终有一天应该，应该会醒的。。。或许吧，因为我不知那是什么时候，分分钟，我又要摔一次，因为痛不够。。。。

就撑吧。。。撑到那天我撑不住了。。。。。

真心是绝望的源头~好想消失

(图片不属我）

最近的我领悟很多事情，一些我从来没接触过的事情。

以前的我，记得应该才14-15岁吧，面对一堆的测验考试的，想到就烦死。但庆幸的是那时的我是追星一族——汪东城。每每我看他部落格写的一切，心想：身为一个艺人要面对的事情那么多，出点差错就被众人放大镜的讨论，我的这些小测验考试算什么？！ 追星一族的我总是每天妄想着如果自己是名设计师就能负责设计造型和服装给明星穿了，那时这是我目标。

就因这样努力把测验考试考得好好的（本人算蛮勤劳的~~）从没要放弃的头（当然偶尔也偷懒一下下~）。 那时的我不懂是不是潜意识作祟，莫名就是喜欢拿星星来当作勉励自己的吉祥物。日志写的满满都是星星如：再忍耐一下下，把报告写完，测验考好就能铺抓到星星了（意思是能放假~~）。那时总喜欢这样来”催眠“自己，听听飞轮海的歌就会觉得很放松，偶像是永远不会背叛粉丝的。

直到升上高中一年级，开始喜欢上一个故事名为”恋空“。 真的，这故事影响我很大，默默地跟女主角一样喜欢上天空，记得第一次卖手机的时候，只要一抬头看见天空，不管三七二十一，就立即拍下。至今我依然喜欢，不，是爱上天空。天空永远都千变万化，每一天，每一分，每一秒都在变。喜欢看着变化不一的天空就能发挥想象力在天空联想不同的形状，有时候看见童话故事里的不同动物，人物或是心型也看过十字架。每每我感到疲倦就一定看看天空，享受不同形形色色的云朵就可以开心，尤其是傍晚的天空更是迷人，一些景象不一定到异国才能拍到，我家后院就是我的异国。 抬头看着天空告诉自己度过今天就没事了，明天也是个新的开始。抱着这种态度度过了我高中两年。也相信一个理念，能看着天空会是每一天最幸福的事，什么烦恼也没有的我（除了课业社团活动）总看见为什么有烦恼事的人都不原意抬头看看天空有多美呢? 也许我不一样，每个人都有不同抒发心情的管道。

终于的，升上高中最后一年但却迫不急待想离开（因某种原因）。体会了友情真的很重要。从中学第一年至高三最后一年和许许多多的人来往过，有的半途闹不开离开了自己，有的半途混进当了朋友却背叛离开，有的是一旦认识想分开却很难这是我一辈子的朋友。

我有一个足足认识了快7年的朋友，一直都是同班同学，形影不离，只要有一天不见我们走在一起，就一定会有人问”你们吵架啦？“真的，我和她不曾吵架过。有人说不吵架的朋友不是朋友但我想这理论被我们打破了吧。 偶尔的她很沉默，偶尔的我们却因一个话题可以聊以整个下午。有什么心事我都会告诉她，可以说我真的依赖她吧。总感觉我们能互相照顾对方，弥补对方的缺点。中学生活真的很庆幸有她当朋友，可能性格少许相近吧。有时候真的觉得我比她还更了解她。
谢谢你，聪敏，多希望可以一起上大学，聊我们以前白痴却可以想很久才回答的话题，聊关于偶像剧，明星却可以聊整天，默默不吭声却能知道比平常来的沉默更诡异，都会互相问：今天怎么了？心情不好吗？
答应我，以后又什么事可以跟我说，我会当个分量充实的垃圾桶。一辈子朋友好吗？

高中生活里也认识了两位“不良损友”。 她们真的是我这辈子的好朋友。 在她们面前能当真实的自己，曾经的我在她们面前疯过，沉默过，白痴过，笑过，哭过，依赖过，强颜欢笑过，坚持过，生气过，甚至吵架过。不过，到最后我们依然还是朋友。谢谢你们对我任性的耐心，我确实是个依赖性很高的人，可能在别人面前总是一副“我能办到”的脸。但我是办不到的，总是要询问很多意见才办事的人，总是拿不定主意的人。我们算不上做了很多疯狂事情的朋友，但应该称得上出生入死的朋友，有什么困难都一起解决。尤其是我当了社团主席后，遇到的挫折更多，意见不合也多了，迟迟不肯多放开自己表现严厉一点的我总觉得想放弃，总觉得很难熬，但这三年也就这样麻木情况下熬了过去。但从中我也学会了坚强，独立（多多少少吧~）。我很感谢我能有这机会学习。
慧蓉，威霓，谢谢你们陪我度过每个难关，没有你们我想我会撑不下吧~

离开了高三，心想着~~自己真的要长大了，就算自己多么不原意还是得成长。梦想一直一直限制住，不清楚未来会怎么样但希望是个安乐窝。但抱歉，现实是残酷的。于是反正人生那么短暂就选着自己喜欢的吧——设计师。 我想总算是排开了我人生中最难的选择了。以后再怎么困难也一定不能辜负自己和相信我的人。至少我离我梦想更进一步了，真的，听到别人问我“你现在念什么？”我总是心里很高心得回答念平面设计。

进入学院后，发现世界并没有我初中对世界的看法一样。人类真的是个恐怖的物体。形形色色不同的人一堆。常在想，为什么我总是在受委屈？我感到委屈是因为我付出真心吗？难道付出真心是罪吗？为什么我不能拿出真心去对待每个人呢？难道没有人希望这世界可以不受心机，利益，欲望的限制而活吗？为什么自己每一次都要被受骗？被人利用呢？我单纯？屁！我是笨蛋~开始觉得这么恐怖的环境我生存不了，把自己隐藏是最好选择。干吗要热情，真心对待每件事？当事人根本就不在乎我到底有没有真心对待。每每我付出真心时，才知道对方根本就把你当透明，这种心情真的很痛，根本就不想再愿意承受一次。宁愿，真的宁愿不去理会别人的事，少知道是给自己的防护墙。反正我对世界的真心已绝望了，反正这世界教导我不要付出真心，因为真心只换来绝望。。。

2012年是我第一次碰见一种比友情更深一层的感情。算不上爱情，但却有恋爱的感觉。那时的我一度认为自己很幸福，也许短暂但是我第一次感觉如此的幸福。 同时是一个很痛的感觉。 以前的我很喜欢写爱情小说，总喜欢把很多爱情细节写进去，也很高兴又朋友喜欢阅读。但我想澄清一件事，那种细节我一点也体会不了，也不懂戏剧里演的被情人背叛的痛，就算是说像心被切了块下来，我也不懂是有多痛。但，经历这件事，我明白了，很痛。。。。我算得上感情丰富的人吗？我总喜欢哭，偷偷一个人哭。。。

原来我是个太容易相信别人伪装的华丽表面，相信他们伪装出来的真心。得到信任后却通知一声也没有就把“真心”给抽离是多么让人伤心欲绝的痛吗？就像自己刚降临天堂却瞬间掉入地狱一样。。
现在的我多希望自己可以回到那单纯的我，至少我不会受到伤害。我觉得我开始变了，变得更不想把心事告诉任何人。渐渐地发现自己不常笑了，就算是笑都是外笑里不笑。以前不管遇到什么错折总是第一时间告诉妈妈，但现在的我选择不说了因为我知道我回不去了。只能静静地，默默地，把一切不适收藏起来。我。。。真的。。。回不去了。但，机会，我会给自己一个机会的，就看我要不要而已。大家，很谢谢你们出现在我生活里，在这里我依然很单纯的相信你们是我唯一能信任的人。你们就是我给自己机会的动力。我也很感谢我的父母（不是在炫耀自己有多孝顺） 至少你们都在陪着我。我就只相信你们而已可以吗？你们的心还能容得下我吗？

”真心“啊~我高攀不起你。。。留给那些不屑受伤害的人拥有你吧~

放心，我会努力为自己找到下个值得我依赖的人，事，物的。
改变了得我是不肯能回到过去，抱歉了，我付出的真心，我要没收了，你们不配得到。对，我就是那么自私，小气。但没办法，你何不曾也是这样背叛我的真心。 有勇气背叛真心就该有勇气担当后果。

冷漠是我最后能够回报的。。。

Kaleidoscope Prince~Mangekyo no Ouji sama 2万華鏡の王子様

Finally, i have finished preparing the dinner, looks good to me! " 'Are'? Did i prepare to much? Emm...i think maybe not" After cleaning up the kitchen, its time for me to clean up myself as well.

*"Are"=Eh? in japanese*

I close my eyes as I lay in the bath tub. Recalling everything that had happen this whole day makes me feel tired. How i wish i could wash each and every tiring problems i have encountered today. As soon as i started studying in university, life is just not that easy to deal with. It's just as hard as saying it all out about my habit to my friends.

Just when i was thinking hard about my problems, i heard a sudden noise from the front door being opened. The noise in fact make me shivered a while. " No way, it couldn't be. Or is it a thief?!! OMG!! Will my life be ended today?!" What if that person come in and saw me in this state and..........he.....NO!!!!

My heart pounded like crazy.....my hands and legs wouldn't move at all as i saw footsteps shadow walking across the hallway. Suddenly, the footsteps stopped right in front of my bathroom door, within seconds, the doorknob turned as if "that" person is going come in. No, what should i do? Should i cover my face or my body? or should i knocked that person down? or i ...i...As i am busying with my thoughts, the door opened, and i screamed with a voice like an opera soprano singer.
" Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"




The time is 8:15 PM.
Location: Dinning room
At this time, I'm sitting right in front of "this" person and we are having our dinner together. Yes, "this" is the person which possess the looks that charms all women throughout Japan. No doubt but he is indeed sitting in front of me happily enjoying the dinner i specially prepared.
"Shiori.....Neh, your cooking's skills are getting better and better! Umm, it taste great!! You even prepared all my favourite dishes just for today's dinner." he said as he eats the honey-marinated chicken.

For the time being, i don't have any appetite to eat any thing right now after what had happened just now. It shocked me to death.

He pouted his lips as he says sorry to me. In fact, his action of pouting his lips makes him looks kind of cute to me.

"How did you get in here?" I'm questioning him as if he is the criminal of all crimes. "Ahh, don't you remember? You gave me the extra keys. So i was thinking of giving you surprises."
Yeah, i did recall of giving him the keys, the first time when i gave him, he jumped and yelled around the living room just like an eight-year old boy receives his best Christmas present ever.

"So...shall we continue our dinner now?" He showed me a please-forgive-me expression as he really thinks he is innocent.
"........" I didn't replied his question because that is not what concerned about, the thing i concern the most is....

"I...I'm sorry for what happened just now and i didn't mean to to barge in. Its just that i don't know you were having a bath."

"FOR YOUR INFORMATION, a bathroom is meant for bathing! If I'm not bathing inside what else would i do, would you assume i'll be sleeping inside?!!!"
Sometimes, i just can't stand it.

"Well, it's not my first time seeing you naked though....so I think it won't be problem at all, right?" his face was flushed red when he talked.

"Hey!....why are you blushing all of a sudden? You, you pervert!!" His reaction change as if im going to smacked him or something. " Ahhhh, no! I'm not thinking that kind of thing at all!!" He stand up from his seat and walk towards to where I'm seating. All of the sudden, he started hugging my neck from behind as he whispers into me ear. " Shiori, you know, I misses you a lot. Even when I'm working I misses you even more. But now, when i finally get to see you, I am really happy and glad! Neh~~Shiori, I~LOVE~YOU."

At this moment, I bet my face is redder than the color of tomatoes. My mind is all blank and i cant think of any words to reply him. This action of his is shocker than what had happened just now. My heart pounds like it will stop at any minute if he keeps on continue like this. How come it turned out this way? From anger to nervous?! I closed my eyes and bite my lips.

"Why is it when you bite your lips, you look cuter? It makes me can't stand it." I heard his breath, it makes my face warmer, at the same time it makes me more nervous. He placed his palm under me chin and shoved up as he kisses me with his soft and warm lips.

I'm not trying to exaggerate things here but it really does me feel helpless whenever he kisses me. My mind gone blank but as times goes by, i felt a threat and i quickly pushes him away.

"What do you think you are doing?! Your perverted hands!!" "No! I swear I didn't mean it! I just....did it without concious."
"A pervert is pervert!! End of conclusions!"
Having that innocent look on his face, he quickly grabbed my hands and asking forgivingness from me. " Neh~Shiori, I'm sorry!!! I won't do it next time. I'm really sorry, I really didn't mean it."

"Fine, I'm not the type to hold grudges anyway. Keep on eating the food, thought you were hungry not?"
" Of course I'm hungry, I nearly starve to death on the way back home!"

I could say not every women likes an innocent, handsome-cute looks, and good at flirting type of guy. But as the matter of the fact, I buy it and I mean, I like it whenever there is a guy whom posses all of this characteristics. The more he looks innocent the more i like, the more he acts cute the more i prefer, and the more he likes to flirt the more i love. His flirting ability is way more higher than those school girls nowadays. To me his way of flirting is normal in any way.

Kaleidoscope Prince~Mangekyo no Ouji sama 1万華鏡の王子様

As promised to my sis, Yuzu-chan. Here are the translated version of my story. Hope you like it. Pls do give feedback ya. ^^!! keke. I really am happy to have met you!



"A very Good Morning to our audience today, I'm your host for today's morning breaking news, Isawa Erika. Our youngest and highly voted as ideal boyfriend throughout the nation, Ichimura Ryo has successfully finished shooting his very own first photo album.
This photo album was announced to be released this morning, as we can see through this pictures, many fans were willingly to camp out just for his new photo album. Besides, book shops from other region were facing out of stock problems and are requesting more from publishing agency. KoiDanshi as Ichimura Ryo management agency stated that......."

"What's the big deal?! Just a mere photo album book and they make such a big fuss over it! Ahhhh!!!What? 8:00?! I gonna be so late for class now!!" After changing my shoes, I grabbed my bag with half pieces of bread inside my mouth and went on to school.

A warm sunshine, fine breeze of wind makes a great morning for today. My everyday life was so interesting because of that special someone...just like the illusion scenery of a kaleidoscope sparkling each and every time you roll it. And I know, that special someone is my very own kaleidoscope.

I arrived school same as every usual day, dragging my lazy bones into the classroom as I sit down to have my peaceful sleep continued.
"Kyaaaaaaaa!!!!!!"
Ok.....this sound definitely annoyed and disturbed my beauty sleep!! Just a short intro of this sound owner, and I mean a short one.
Mori Chiyoko, been friends with her since senior high for three years. Well i can say, she owns a body figure and a face feature which highly attracts 90% boys(mainly otaku) in our school. She is the ideal girlfriend from our school during those days and even now as well. Unfortunately, she only gains interest towards bishounen. For short, having Hongo Kanata and Seto Koji's DNA blended, and there, you can give this guy as her boyfriend during her birthday.

"Kyaaaa!!! Why is that Ryo sama this cute?!!!!" "Ahhh how i wish Ryo-sama is my boyfriend!!" "No!!! I can't take this anymore, watching his white slender body makes me melt!!!"

Hearing this kyaa here, kyaa there, makes me wanna throw up my breakfast i jus ate.
"Hey! Would you all mind resists your vulgar thoughts for a moment? Discussing all these gross stuff during early morning, don't you all have sense of shame at all?

"No!!!!! If its related to Ryo-sama, shame is not a big deal!" As expected....they don't have sense of shame and their sickness can't be cure at all.
" Why don't you take a look at this dazzling prince, Ryo-sama? How can a girl resists such a cute face of his?! Or you are telling me you are not interested in boys?!" Chiyoko handed me the latest photo album book of Ichimura Ryo which it was so famous it got sold out within 2 hours time and dumped loads of stupid questions to me.
"C'mon, all of us at least dated one boy, and now you are the only one left with zero dating experience! We are here to help you to gain interest towards boys, so you should be blessed to have us backing you up all the time.

"Ok!! For the last time. I am really blessed to have a friend like you, but thanks and no thanks i dont need one yet. Its not that i dont have interest in boys......is just that...i ....havent found one i like. For my request as your FRIEND, please stop your disgusting act by drooling all over a boy's photo album!
"Suit youself then!" Chiyoko at least knows what surrender means and went back to continue their fantasies with the crowd.

Oh! I actually forgot to introduce myself. I'm Kinoshita Shiori. Currently studying in K University major in Graphic Design Year 1 student. For your information, I'm not an anti-boys type of girl, its just that i can't seem to find a good opportunity to said it out.
Actually I have this dark secret which i could not simply tell others....and i happen just to found out recently...or i can say i didn't accept my true self very well. The secret is...I'm actually fond of boys which are younger than me, where boys can show their cuteness without any limit. I know its a very very and I mean its very bad to have this kind of habit, but it just can't be helped. I guess I'm not much a different from those other girls with vulgar thoughts and i don't have any position to speak to them like that. Chiyoko, please forgive me. I will tell the truth when the time come eventually.

At last, end of school! Got to pack up my things and head back home asap! As I was watching the sun setting down, i feel a sudden bliss deep down my heart, and eager to go back home quickly." Hmm...what should I cook for tonight's dinner? As usual if its only me alone, a small unagi and pickled radish will do, but if its today....."
I gave myself a bit thinking. " Ya!...that will do!"

I think I’m ugly!!

Yesterday night when I was flipling through all channel, i stumbled upon on the music channel where all Kpop songs were broadcasted, a song named Ugly from 2NE1 captured me from switching to another channel. The flow of the music was nice and catchy!! Though not sure what the others lyrics mean, but the english part, i think they sang out what all girls have in mind when having someone guys they like. For all girls they would like to be pretty and be the dream girl of that guy wants. The my was nice too.....they look cool on that outfit, four of them jamming together was awesome!! The song had been set inside my mind now, cant really get enough of it!! Hope you guys ( girls) enjoy it. 3Q^^!!


Here's the lyrics:

[CL] Balkge useobojiman
Nae mame deulji anha
Nan yeppeuji anha areumdapji anha
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh

[BOM] Norael bulleobojiman
Amudo deutji anha
Nan yeppeuji anha areumdapji anha
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh

[DARA] Nan wae ireohke motnan geolkka
Eoddeokhamyeon nado neocheoreom hwanhage
Useobol su isseolkka

[MINJI] Ddo hwagana wae neul wanbyeokhaji mothae
I ggaejin geoul sok motnan moseubeul hyanghae
Tathagiman hae

[BOM] Chyeodabojima jigeum I neuggimi shilheonan
Eodironga sumgoman shipeo
Beoseo nago shipeo
I sesangeun geojitmal

[CL] I think I'm ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty
I wanna be pretty
Don't lie to my face tellin'
me I'm pretty

I think I'm ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty
I wanna be pretty
Don't lie to my face cuz I know
I'm ugly

[MINJI] Nal shwipge ihaehandago hajima
Mot saenggigo bbiddoleojin nae maeumi neol
Wonmanghaljido molla

[BOM] Mal shikijima nan neowa eoulliji mothae
Geu jalnan nunbit sok chagawoon gashiki nal
Summakhige hae

[MINJI] Dagaojima neoui gwanshimjocha shilheo nan
Eodironga ddeonago shipeo sori chigo
Shipeo
I sesangeun geojitmal

[CL] I think I'm ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty
I wanna be pretty
Don't lie to my face tellin'
me I'm pretty

I think I'm ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty
I wanna be pretty
Don't lie to my face cuz I know
I'm ugly

[DARA] All alone
I'm all alone x 2

Ddaddeuthamiran eopseo
Gyeoten amudo eopseo

All alone I'm all alone x 2
I'm always all alone

Ddaddeuthamiran eopseo
Gyeoten geu nugudo nal anajul saram eopseo

[CL] I think I'm ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty
I wanna be pretty
Don't lie to my face tellin'
me I'm pretty

I think I'm ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty
I wanna be pretty
Don't lie to my face cuz I know
I'm ugly


Here's the link for the MV:

Star Project: Rise to Stardom

Recently, nothing to do much and started to find some online games to play with. Well, i suddenly stumbbled upon Star Project game, its an otome games, simulation games where you are the main girl character with a bunch of hot guys out there to social with, but well in this games for the english version we only have Touya to interect with.

Its kinda fun to play with because in this game you are the idol company manager, where you started to sign contract with Touya and become his manager , become famous and pay off debts that your family left you.

I am all excited when i first started it, the art quite good, the story plot is fine too!! Actually for a first timer like me, i rated it with 99%!!

Here's the trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD7QV_S8Vhs&feature=related

Here's the eng version site, just register and you'll own your idol:

http://starproject.galaxy-games.com/

Some pics of the game: